Wednesday, December 31, 2008

juan tamad

"I'm afraid of what I've become in the mirror, the face of my one true enemy, Hallelujah's a new day" - Bamboo

"lahat kayo tumutulong na sa' ken..."

"ikaw na lang kulang..."

"sasama ka ba?"

the songs, can't feel them no more

gusto nga ba talagang maligtas?

the great escape

"A man who does not busy himself living busies himself dying" Bless him Father

"gumawa ka nang sarile mong demonyo..."

dead man walking... afraid of the light... hoping everyday would be every night

"go to sleep... never wake up"

almost did it but he couldn't... must unbind the ties that bind him

bed... bed... bed...

can't move... won't move... never wanted to move... two-day paralysis

he dared him to move... "game ka ba?" "ang hirap ng pinapagawa mo?"

pano ko tatakas kung yung bukas dumarating pa....

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

tenga

I am not a good listener... I have no comment either

I'm slowly being eaten away...

wasting Christmas?

ui pre tama na inarte, ano ba!?

" And I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't even miss her
I'm a bad boy for breakin her heart
Now I'm free, free fallin'

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin'
Gonna leave this world for a while "
- John Mayer

I'm just making all these excuses para hindi na siguro ako gumawa

Ayokong hanapan ng paraan at solusyon ang mga problema ko

Ilang inspirational talks pa ba kailangan para magbago ko, gusto ko pa nga ba magbago?

Kinakalawang na utak ko sa kakaisip ng mga walang kwentang bagay, hindi na tuloy ako makausap ng matino, pero ganito pa ren ako

Naging absorbent na Nanay ko, sa lahat ng negative thoughts ko, di na ko nahiya

Tigil na this sem at mag-culinary?

Maybe I'm just finding ways para tumakas na naman...

Gusto ko na lang humiga dun sa kwarto, sarado ang pinto, sarado ang ilaw, malamig kahit may lamok, balot sa kumot, nakadikit ang likod sa pader, nakatitig sa kurtina habang gumagalaw sa hangin, madilim

Gusto ko dun sa garahe ng kapitbahay, me nakasabit na radyo sa puno, tugtugin oldies, sa ilalim ng mga dilaw na ilaw, walang alalahanin, malamig ang gabi, wag na sana matapos ang gabi

I'm writing all this down even if I don't feel like writing it, because I don't know why, maybe I'm just stallin' ...

hello nga pala sa kay panahon, sinasayang nanaman ata kita

hindi ka pde magsaya kase hindi pa fulfilled studies mo, hindi ka naman maka-aral kase tinatamad ka at feeling mo kinakalawang na utak mo

ano nang nangyare sayo? what have I become?

Sabi ko sa nanay ko kanina maging kasambahay na lang ako para madali na lang lahat, gusto ko nga kase madali lang ang lahat, nakahain na sa mesa, kakain ka na lang

Parang di ako natatauhan

Naaalala ko nun elementary pa ako, me pina-assignment si teacher, hindi ko na magawa, panic kase deadline na ata bukas kailangan ko na magawa, mamamatay na ata ako sa kaba, natulog na ko at pinagawa ko na lang sa mga magulang ko, umiiyak na ko kase baka hindi ko mapasa
lesson: hindi ko kaya tumayo sa sarile kong mga paa, akayin mo ako

Isang umaga nagising ako sa tabi ng pinto kase sa lapag kame natutulog na magpamilya. Nakaupo lang ako dun sa sulok. Good old times dun sa terrace ni Mamang na ginawang naming munting bahay. Ramdam ko ang init ni haring araw nung madaling araw. Binasa ko ilang chapter ng libro kase akala ko may quiz. Walng quiz.

Me assignment nga pala kame. Define "solid". Astig si Michael J. Fox sa pelikula niyang "Back to the Future" o "Never Ending Story" ata pinapanod ko. Basta alas-nuebe na puyat na ako. Tulog na silang lahat. Inaantok na ako. Ang haba ng definition ni Webster. Magtataas ako ng kamay bukas para mag-recite. Pinagpuyatan ko to.
Hindi ako nag-recite...

Ayoko matapos tong gabe na 'to o kaya hanggang sa Dec. 26.
Hey Mr. Sandman put me to sleep, a never ending sleep, cos I want to run away and leave this place, dun ako magaling, simulan ang isang bagay pero hindi ko naman kayang tapusin

shit

welcome back to reality, medicines are effective or baka hinde ko naman talaga sila kailangan, it cannot cure self-will

still feels like self-torture but I can't feel it anymore, my mind is clear

it's hard to socialize, hirap pa ren mag-aral

gusto ko na sukuan

still pretty hard to wake up everyday, i want to sleep all day

para na kong mapipipe

pride, pag-iinarte, katamaran, umaasa sa iba, gusto ko madali ang lahat

gising na ba ko? ibalik nio ko sa dilim, shet

san nga ba ko tutungo? meron nga ba?

Friday, December 5, 2008

i want some saving grace badly

what is my purpose?

- to be. that is all there is to anybody. the antidote of to die is not to live. BE.

what is important in life?…what is important to me?

- you are important. you are life. just as i am. we all are. valuing is relative. do you really need to measure? to be exacting is to limit whatever there is to be.

am i worth of something?

- we are worth everything we are. even nobody's perfect. ;-)

why am i doing this?

- to seek answers

why do i think this is lame?

- nothing is ever really good enough. we will never get what we want. we can, however, want what we have.

what is my goal in life?

- choose. it's your call.

what is love?

- you'll know once you do.

why am i always holding myself back?

- because you are too precious to lose.

why is it so hard to be true?

- "it's easier to lie." - aqualung.

why do i have that "talk to me and you’ll get serious too" aura?

- you don't. you have the "don't talk to me coz i really have nothing to say to you" look.

why is it so hard to express?

- it's easier to impress. - me.

why do i have so many questions?

- because you need too many answers.

why do i go home after school early and feel like regretting to do it?

- because there is so much to do out there in the world.

what is contentment? can contentment hold me back from wanting greater things in life?

- although contentment is wanting what you have, it is always desirable to seek for the greater things in life.

why do i have to type in english and make this look like organized for reading?

- because somebody is bound to come across this and dare to answer.

why am i browsing up this list and taking a look if this is long enough?

- because you want to set limits and boundaries to something as inifnite as curiosity.

why am i always thinking of what others might think? ( i’m too stressed thinking about mine so, why the f*ck?)

- because sometimes it sucks to think about the same piece of s**t every single fu***n' day so to think of what other people think is a welcome change.

why do i keep on lingering on things that don’t matter?

- because although you think they don't, they actually do.

why do i keep on waiting, waiting for nothing?

- if it arrives, then you stop waiting. you wait because it's still on its way to reach you.

why am i still trying to think of more questions?

- they never end. never will.

can i get a mentor?

- sure. haha.

can i be my own mentor?

- tough. sadly, no. you teach yourself. but never become your own mentor.

what do i want?

- i wouldn't know. you would know this better than anyone else.

why am i so pessimistic?

- because life is one big sh*t.

why is the grass greener on the other side?

- if you keep stepping on the same side of grass, it dries up more easily than the side that is never walked on. it is greener because no one dares to even touch it.

if i lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

- i have the same question. yeah, that would be nice.

why do i have this feeling that what i do is worth nothing?

- if it's nothing, there's no worth. nothing is never worth anything. all that's left are your feelings.

do i really want to get married?

- i suppose. it's very rare for people to want to live, much less die, alone.

what happens when i graduate?

- you step into a more adventurous world called bulls**t.

what do i want?

- you want what you don't have.

what do i want?

- you want what you can't get.

what do i want?

- you want what you think you want.

why is it hard for me to look someone in the eye?

- not anymore.. :)

Salamat Ma'am Sang!